Premonitions of a young man, unscathed…
„I have always struggled with having true and substantial friendships/relationships with others. I have never allowed myself to fully deny what it is that I feel in my spirit, which has forced me into what most may call, a ‚loner‘ state, which I have grown to be quite comfortable with. I have always felt different and that I didn’t ‚fit-in‘. However, I never had a desire to follow the ‚crowd‘. On the surface, I appear to be a very happy, secure individual, unfortunately, what most don’t realize is that one is forced to portray these images, well, at least considering what cards Life has dealt to me. Do not be confused here, I am a very secure man, but insecurity tends to creep in when dealing with other humans, especially in the realm of relationships and friendships. The Lord blessed me from day one, with things that I don’t even realize to this day. I have found the true importance of not placing too much stock in humans, but instead, placing all faith, trust, belief and knowing into ‚THE SOURCE‘.“
„I was introduced to the gay/club scene shortly after turning sixteen years of age. I walked in,the lightning was just bright enough to see nearby faces, really loud music and people stumbling around, completely inebriated. What I distinctly remember is the amount of effeminate guys that filled the dance floor. Being sixteen years of age, experiencing this type of environment for the first time, I was absolutely disgusted. Although I lay with men, I have never lost sight of the fact that I am a man. In my mind, there is nothing better than manhood, something that most of these „so-called“ men are incapable of conceptualizing. Masculinity rests deep within the heart and soul of a man’s man, who understands that ‚fitting-in‘ is not an option. Often times, guys such as myself are ridiculed and quoted as being ‚homophobic‘. It’s as if you sleep with men, you are expected by other gays, as well as society, to act like a sissy, dress up in women’s clothing, or bullshit along these lines. It has been my experience that ignorance, divisiveness, separatism etc run rampant in the gay community, which leads me to the question: ‚Is there really any sense of community?‘ What I find interesting is how gays demand so much respect, but they ‚carry-on‘ for the sole purpose of obtaining attention. I feel that which each gay generation, the guys are becoming more and more flamboyant and for that reason alone,there will be more and more MEN, who acknowledge their sexuality, only in their mind, but will NEVER be a part of any type of ‚gay scene‘. I COMPLETELY understand that. This is very unfortunate for men like myself, because I tend to only approach men that are similar to myself. How are ‚we‘ supposed to encounter one another if we don’t come out of our shell?
There is a part of me that cannot deny that feminity is a part of some individuals‘ chemical make-up, and it is not rehearsed. There is also a part of me that attributes the lack of masculinity to the fact that most gay guys have been told their entire lives that they are nothing more than a ‚faggot‘. Most of these guys mentioned that their father was never around, that they were raised by their mother, or,they were constantly ridiculed by the male figures in their family, which led to a deep-seated self-hatred.
Stand up and be proud of the person that you were created to be. It’s not about being gay, or straight, it’s about being not only a person, a GOOD PERSON, who does the RIGHT thing, as much as possible, each and every day! To all of you guys out there hiding behind the curtains, for fear of being lumped into the ‚gay‘ category, do be mindful of the fact that you are only doing yourself a great disservice. Never underestimate the power of denial. Do not give others power over YOU. Be the individual that YOU are. Being proud of yourself doesn’t mean marching in some silly gay-pride parade, it means exploring the ‚individual‘ that you are, on a level that is so much deeper and greater than who you maintain a sexual relationship with. Once you lear the value of being real with yourself, EVERYTHING else will follow suit.“
– Terron J. Cook: Premonitions of a young man, unscathed (2009)